The thrilling, terrifying experience of being called to something where I feel totally inadequate, asked to lead others who are likely older, wiser, more experienced, with questions for which I have no answer. Yet at the same time shaking with excitement at the amazing opportunity and accountability to meet the Lord in new ways, with greater depth than I likely ever have before. The broken joy that comes in feeling absolutely inadequate within myself, with the expectation of seeing the work of the Spirit of God in me, in our group, through His word. This comes with an amazing freedom. It is not my doing or responsibility. It is the Spirit of God, working through His word, that accomplishes his will. I just have the amazing joy and privilege to come along, to experience Him work, to pray like I have never prayed before. To draw near to him. To see him, not myself, as the one who will work to change lives. I have always felt that I can do it. Now I feel the amazing joyful freedom with trembling, of being beyond myself, where only God can work.
I have been asked to join the leadership for an amazing Bible Study, which is truly focused on the Word of God. The first choice was whether to move in this direction at all. Christ gave clear leading that this was the direction to pursue. The second choice was whether to be a group leader for men or a children’s leader for a class somewhere from 1st grade through high school.
Much of my life experience points in the direction of children’s leader. It also may just be me, but I am thinking that is where the leadership was somewhat thinking I may go. I even am excited for that ministry and the ways it is leading kids not just to hear about Jesus, but to really know Him, be excited for his Word, and draw near to him. Perhaps in the future, this will be where I go, and joyfully so, though also with a tremendous sense of great responsibility and the fearful joy of knowing that the power of God is the only one who changes lives.
However, as Elyse and I had time to pray and seek the Lord in this decision for the time being, his clear leading was to move in the direction of Group Leader. For this job, I feel utterly inadequate. The men who are leaders are an amazing group of deeply Godly men. As far as I know, I will be the youngest. I have seen such godly character, deep love for the Word, wisdom, leadership, and so many other amazing characteristics in these men. I feel utterly inadequate and amazingly grateful to gain from their wisdom.
How am I going to lead the men who God places into my group who I have the privilege and responsibility to have in our study of God’s Word and in my life?
I am shaking with excitement, knowing how much this will be a time to grow in depth of relationship with Christ, in maturity, in the ability to lead a group of men, all things that are deeply on my heart, yet I am terrified all the same.
I am so grateful for the text that was presented today in a seminar before the Bible Study.
And Moses said, “I will turn aside to see this great sight, why the bush is not burned.” 4 When the Lord saw that he turned aside to see, God called to him out of the bush, “Moses, Moses!” And he said, “Here I am.” (Exodus 3:3-4)
But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” 12 He said, “But I will be with you… (Exodus 3:11-12)
But Moses said to the Lord, “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.” 11 Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? 12 Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.” (Exodus 4:10-12)
God is the one who calls. I need only to listen and obey. I don’t need to be able. I don’t need to have fluent words. I don’t need to think about me at all. To be sure, I will grow as I experience God, but it is God who does it all though his Spirit and his Word. I need to fall desperately at his feet in prayer and fasting and be ready to be humbled as I experience him work. Even if it means my complete brokenness and humiliation, that is a price to be joyfully paid to draw near in intimacy with my Lord and to see him work to draw men to himself.
I can feel a renewed excitement for life, for family and most of all for Christ and His Word bubbling up inside of me. I feel a renewed passion to be in His Word and to help to lead others to these words of life! This life is all about Christ and His kingdom!
To God be the Glory for ever and ever! Amen!